Poems

-Vivid Visions Gone Dry-

Poems

This is most of the stuff I have written. I don't know how you will enjoy it...But I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Playing these games
a pin ball in my head
it tears me apart
and i'm left for dead.
Pounding thoughts
of memories lost
and the ones that never were
sitting still
and this silence kills
i hate the way i have to be
and force myself to see
only what they've made me
and damnit i want these tears to fall
just sit down a bawl
on my hands and knees I crawl.
And life is held back
me, in this little shack
nothing seems to stay the way,
to stay the way that makes me smile
only for a moment can my smile last
cause in the end I'm just fuckin trash
and so my tears don't come
but I won't take that
if I can't cry
Then I'd just rather die.

April 15, 2001
I'm running around with my hands in the air.
I'm surrendering to all my fears.
And my struggles have lasted so many years.
I can't believe what you think of me.
Everything you always wanted to be.
How could this be true?
All I ever did was follow my cue.
So now whats next?
Do I sit here and rest?
Or should I open my arms.
And face this test?
My round ball of healing light.
Its been clenched so tight.
I want more than just me.
But thats not what I NEED.
I NEED my courage,
To be everything.
I know I can be.

April 1, 2001
How can I express the way that I seem to feel?
I'm the clay and you mold me with your hands.
And what am I supposed to do, When I'm tired of that deal?
When I want to break free, and explore my own land?
And you can't seem to understand, all the things that make me, me.
And you can't seem to comprehend, all that I want to be.
And you can hold me with your loving gaze.
But please don't put me through this maze.
I don't want to be lead to where you cam out.
Truth never comes simple, and I never had a doubt.
All I do, All I consume.
Its all for you.
And whenever I try to break through, You lower your head in shame.
Maybe I wasn't meant to play your game.
MAybe next time I try to spread my wings
Just maybe, you'll let me fly.

February 26, 2001
My mind is tortured day to day
think one and act another
confusions of the world
leave my mind numb
cry and scream and battle these frustrations
society plans and schemes
and tears me apart
dealing with these twisted thoughts
nothing to comfort or consule
looking in furry
none to respond to my pleas
using your razor sharp lies to tear me apart
one story leads to another
til one day we can't take it anymore.

March 23, 2001
Rip away each layer
until your skin lays bare
and look at the truth
that you burried there
scarred and jagged skin
a tornado has just tourn through your soul
all your life of lies, the ultimate sin
and look in the reflecting glass
to see the anguish in your opened eyes
once living in such dark
with beauty in the masses
now admitting to the wicked ways
and living in the arms of your frightned angel.

March 26, 2001
Sitting still in this restless silence
one move brings you closer
and so you take a step back
to afraid to go forward
confront all you ever feared
but not yet
you still lay calm
until your blood boils
and clenching your fists
you let forth your rage.

Society's Pollution

11/10/00
what happens
when you lose everything
that was your all
it goes away, disappears
and where did it all go
my vision was blurred
and i didn't realize
what was taking it all away
poisoned and dizzy
everythings gone
and what do you do
when everything you knew was erased
or when you can't even understand
the picture in your eyes
before, when everything was of the ordinary
when we were all normal
then it was simple
but a disillusioned mind polluted the people
which were one by one
zombies of the day and i was left for the night
the darkness and cold air
that swallows you whole
what happens when there is a constant pattern
neverending
when someone was slapped in the face by the pattern
and i threw myself
hurdling at it
one mind of difference
betrayed and mistook
and where does it all go
cause after they destroyed her mind set
that state of mind won't do
she twists around and destroys all they knew too

February 23, 2001
Broken water
flowing away from my dreams
and as a tear forms in the corner of my eye
don't let it fall, blink it, gone
standing at deaths door
i've relived my life through your dreams
so hold my hand as i weep
for me, for us
we're gone, broken glass, sweep away the ash
once someone's footsteps in the snow
now just another thought ignored
please take this child
and hold her in your arms
when she slips away, time will pay its farewell,
sip your cup of tea
and close your mind to your sorrows
before the blade may have been my life
but now its my death

February 20, 2001
Freak accident
ruined your dreams
crushed and carried away
they diminish below you
as you sink down to their ways
looking about you
all you see is pain
disguise it with this mascarade
play the role of the follower
and let evil consume you
average means
just like the next
dont let them succede
watching you break down
they'll just continue to steal all that makes you, you
freak accident
its our world
not god or scientific ways
we're just freaks
concequinces of this accident
how else can you explain
our selfish, greedy ways?
your dreams turn to ashes
and are blown away
hold my hand to the air
and grab for what i can

February 15, 2001
Why must there be such silence
wanting only to feel relief
every moment happyness sweeps me sad thoughts remind me of my place
feeling as though im the one sacrificed so all else may feel joy
not even knowing why
just powered by depression
keeping my mouth closed
if i spoke the words of my rainbow everyone else cant shine
wont even hear by distorted beauty
wanting only to release my burdens, whatever they may be
confusion grating me to peices
im nailed to a cross
given as your sacrifice
but for what?

February 8, 2001
Strangle my beliefs
with your blood soaked hands
clone me to match
the people of your land
expect me to give in
march mindlessly with the dead
when you gave me my rights
this is not what you said
respecting mutual trends
would you care to define truth?
shall we make amends
for all you have put us through
drag the people through your torture chambers
they'll overcome their pain
fighting the dangers you told of
not real, just another illusion you create
cry with me tonight
in my place of silence
this is our world
and i'm your kite

1/23/01
Visions of red swimming in darkness
repeating in time
flowing and neverending
sickening sights of beauty disected
masses of water
swallowed by the satisfied
and torn from the thirsty
to dehydrate the population
because they are the unicorns
and you're the horse
unmoving thoughts, stupified my soul
strikingly gorgeous
stunningly disgusting
your supply is thousands
give you your pleasure
holding it in your hands
dripping between your fingers
while you grin
my tears are for those
who obtain their pride from lies
my love is for those murdered
by your false, degrading souls

1/27/01
What to believe and what to fear
forming my life around falsity and lies
seems theres so much to chose from
what to take and what to burn
how can one ever know
am i going to heaven or hell
will i come back as something else
or can't i just sit here
and enjoy choosing to be me
when my life turns to their profit
thats what i don't like
shall we cry or shall we sing
whose got the answers to all we ask
we can be friends
but no one knows
choose to be their pawn
or be your own

2/7/01
who the hell do you think you are
randomly destroying lives
feeling no remorse
what gives you the right?
our pain gets you high
go smoke your fucking weed
and drink your goddamn beer
lie and cheat and steal
lets see how you do when you're the one on the wheel
cause succede you wont
ill hold you in my thoughts
wont fucking punch you in the face
arent i nice?
our pain gets you high
but the only thing about you that can actually make me smile
is toknow that when the day comes
and you realize you murdered your life
as i hand you a five dollar bill
and you ask
would you like fries with that?

2/6/01
goddamnit why cant things be better?
why the hell cant they be easier?
ive got all my wants lined up
but it doesnt seem my knowledge can stretch far enough
hopefull thoughts and good intensions
diminished to the size of a pea
bitter and resentful is how they've made me
how the fuck can i move on
when i dont know what im moving from
wheres this shitty light to guide me
its floresent anyway
guess things just dont come nice
when your the worlds bastard child

2/6/01
shouting without a voice
we are mute
while you are blind
standing on a balance beam
our feet slip
and we fall endlessly
standing firm
nail our feet to the ground
each in our assembly lines
what is this mass production for?
why must you be so sore?
stuck on repeat
mindlessly moving forward
your lead to believe the general
mindlessly moving backwards
you fall into their stew
we wont lead thy astray
as they can only say
protecting without our arms to you hold you
you amputate our flesh
we amputate your ways

1/4/01
Gave me life
you did not
supported me as i am
i wouldnt say
bought me with your wealth
you never will
bring me up from child to child
acomplishing nothing
telling me your directions
i will not follow
these feelings you develop in me
materilizing after years of perfection
not the picture you expected
wanting me to follow
in your footsteps
i will not
problems building up

11/21/00
wandering around
my hands are my eyes
swallowed by the confusion
and digested by the sounds
uncovered by the furry
of frightning minds
discovered in the midst of another lie
one step at a time
tripping over my thoughts
jumbled and scrambled
floating through this maze
suffering the feel of guilt and demise
caught in a daze that presents my time
turning around
again and again
a new direction for all the mistakes
always at the begining
never at the end
thers no way out
to exit this stage
the blurred sight
knocking me down
on my knees i pray
rid me of the pounds
they're on my back
crushing my shoulders
keeping me close to the ground
the fate that is seen
it can only seem
to wake as part of the wall
that encloses me in your call

11/15/00
Mt throat is dry
there are no words to speak
my head is empty
being kicked around
being pushed around
its neverending
over and over
it breaks me down
pushes me to the ground
my head is crushing
its caving in
it will not stop
and i just want it to end

Statistics say 1 in 50

1/22/01
Hidden in the depths of failure
apparently spoken
through the voices in the air
unheard of by innocent minds
exposing nothing but lies
so confusion beholds the
and one can only be misunderstood
then the outcast of shinning light
bright and free
black and white stripes
representing the culture of our society
the stars are few
supprising that they may except the existance
but of course
for their mission is to extinct us
given to the people
to protect and save
in the way you say
given stupidly
taken stupidly
raised stupidly
and prospers intelligently
oh no, its gone wrong
statistics say 1 in 50
we are one
we are none, no
believing in right and free
you only in slavery

Phil
We said hello
and thats where it began
we told each other our facts
what was good, what was bad
our similarities were clear
and through our casual conversations
we became more and more
but we never thought we'd become so much when we opened that door
bit by bit, peice by piece,
we made it to here
standing in front of each other
face to face at last
i can't believe we'd let all that time pass
when all we could do was share our words, we could have shared each other in our arms
but no regrets are present
because I came to know the person inside before I knew the one on the outside.
and when the view was clear to my eyes
i knew it was the sight
that would always make me smile
and feel that way that I do
about you, on the inside.
you think you're something small to me
just another to add to the list
but what you mean to me is unknown
when every little thing reminds me of you
that first word, that hello
how could we ever know?
that one day
when we knew all there was
how could I have realized
that you'd make me feel
this way that I do, about you, on the inside.

What the fuck are you trying to do?
What the hell do you want to prove?
You stab me to make new wounds.
And say that you only want to keep me safe.
My minds running in circles.
I don't know what you're trying to do.
You tell me to slow down, you claim you care.
Can I really think you give a fuck
When you tell my secrets?
I'm so confused.
You make me go cross-eyed.
You yell and scream when I bring forth your truths.
But I'm only doing what you showed me to.
What goes around comes around
and don't think I'm going to stand there and take it like a man.
Cause thats not what I am.
Just when I think things are good again.
Me and you are standing together
but you pull our a hidden sword
cut me down the middle
and all my insides poor
i respect you, your thoughts, your actions
until you pull this shit
its going to stop
you say you dont want me taking abuse
but thats all you give me
you have your life, your people, your things
my eyes never wander
my hands never touch
but my ears are always alert
don't think i'm not aware
i hear it all but my mouth stays shut.
so what the fuck are you doing?
with your nose all bent out of joint?
telling my lies and exposing them as truths
you say you're protecting me
but from what?
i let you live your life
while i stand on the side linds
and keep my mouth closed.
why the fuck can't you do the same?
stop twisting my brains.
i love you to peices
im glad that you care
but next time show it
and stay out of my hair
let me live my own life
thats how i want to learn
not through you, your not my master
you said it yourself
i wont know unless i figure it out for myself
so stop opening your mouth
just fill it with cookies and cream
then walk away
and let it be good again.

April 9, 2001
Speaking in the voice of a drowned little girl.
I hide my thoughts and hope you don't frown.
Every tear I wipe away.
And wish that just one day,
I'll sing the voices of my soul.
Jealusy rages through my body,
My soul pumps this useless fluid.
Abstract art,
Can't explain my heart.
For me to be displayed,
And all those spectators gasp.
Whisper in their hole,
"She's never going to be something great."
You stole away my thoughtless traits.
Close my eyes and burn away.
If you could see my vision,
I might be able to visualize what I seem to be.

April 4, 2001
It's not fare that you get to live your life the way you are.
While I sit here with these ropes tied to my arms.
When theres nothing to make the scars burn away,
All this accumulating pain,
Building inside of me is my waterfall.
And your delicate hand touches my blade.
Held back from the world
In My cage I'll do no harm.
You can creep around
And pretend to be everything I always wanted to be.

February 22, 2001
Hidden beneath my skin
are the truths i fear to face
dwelling there endlessly
while i pay no mind
teach me a lesson i won't forget
taunt me with your words
so i may burn inside
scratching at the layer of shame i've formed
living in the light to ignore the darkness
creeping my through a forest
can't seem to find a light to guide me
or maybe i'm just not looking
i pretend to raise my hand
to know the answers i can't seem to find
sitting still in a stream of sand
every grain will stick
unless i grab a hand

February 21, 2001
Criple my thoughts
feed me your drible
take control
and create destruction
blow my mind to peices
i'm not worth your wealth
put a price on the priceless
and steal lives beneath your riches

February 21, 2001
My body is filled with nails
and holds my feet, heavy, to the ground
i can't hold up my thoughts
for i might be stabed by thorns
hold me in place
below your powering mind
curropt my innocence
take me from my cradle
what represents your pride?
smashed beautys and burnt rainbows
touch your finger to the water
watch the ripples spread
when the shark surfaces
and bits your lies away

February 20, 2001
Please don't make me cry
already hidden in the shadows
to feel more pain
would just make me die
please don't hurt me further
you've already left your dent
internally bleeding
you may not see it
but its clear to me
please dont fight me
im already to weak
im aware peace is lost
but must you rub it in?
please dont make me your joke
i dont want to hear them laugh
ive already been ridiculed for my difference
plase dont murder me this way
im already suffering
i dont think i could bare the loss
of all ive ever believed

February 24, 2001-I Hate Phil-
why must you do this to me?
do you even know what you're doing?
in your fun i die and can't seem to cry
i was once yours, with you, in your arms
come spend time with me and my friends
i introduced you to my world
and you gave me a sympathetic look
steal it all from me, empty and lost, you made me
if you werent so cruel, didnt rub it in so
it may not hurt me as much
but then again
you were never thinking of me
just her

Feb. 15, 2001
to ask for something
again and again
ask and never recieve
painfull needs
crying tears of needles
simple questions
never answered
keep me dumb
never let me know
it hurts to feel so stupid
so every time you pretend for my sake
i run away with tears streaming down my face

Feb. 15, 2001
discard my tears
hot water running down my face
you slap them away
leave your mark on my face
frightned i follow
held by your leash
if i slow
you drag me instead
choking me, stealing my air
tell me what to do
cause i live in fear
whoops i made a mistake
whip me into shape
blood soaked through my clothes
you just laugh
i died long ago
just go fuck yourself
cant get anyone else
take your anger on me
wack your dick
and kill me

Feb. 14, 2001
cryign tears from a childs eye
overflow and drownd the world
its the same game every time
to tear away a childs mind
careless and loving, the greatest creation
you spoil their imagination
and criple their hearts
what do you gain
by stealing all innocence
control our pure selves
with your evil being
crying tears from a childs eye
overflow and drownd the world
its always the same
when will it all change?

Feb. 14, 2001
fragile touch
give me your hand
carry my soul away
ill show you a picture of captured pain
pleasantly place your heart in my pocesion
i'll give you my blood to blead
step gently into my world
for i can force murder on dead
share yourself with me
left our bodys melt together
infect you with my evil
disguise love with nails
fragile touch
i'll carry your soul away with my captured pain

1/27/01
Amazing grace
its a song we all sing
inspiring words
formed by a wanting soul
thoughts of freedom
which engulfed a single mind
and created a nations epidemic
amazing grace
its a song we've all heard
silent in its presence
written by one who was all
stretching his arms around the world
and releasing all he believed
it was freedom for which he fought
it was freedom for which he wrote
and it was freedom for which he believed

1/24/01
Each gap tells a story
every tear of the skin
my emotions run outward
away from sickness and disease
making these gashes of fear
its my art
my body is my art
with all its wholes
my mind spills out
yearning to make the masterpeice i know i can be
my pant is a razor
w/ each stroke of the brush
a new beauty is made

1/4/01
every word
saying nothing
meaning nothing
keep in denial
stay locked away
let nothing out
store it inside
going through the motions
repeated day by day
tears formulating
flowing
on their way
no one knows
understands
cares
as usual
imprisoned to their thoughts
finding no escape
no exit
no leave
stay forever
in this state of mind
dieing
rotting
slipping away

11/14/00
Theres no way out of here
all the major emotions fill my head
happyness, anger, saddness, confusion
it just builds up
till i'm broken
dead
my knees hit the ground
my hands rubbing my temples
i couldnt comprehend what you said
i look up at you with trouble
though i do not fumble
but my eyes fall down upon you
for what you have lead me to
when i can feel it
crumbling, crushing my soul
i am not frightened
i am only a child
weak and fragile
can you really begin to explain
do you really want to obtain
the disease inside me
that you maintain

1/29/01
as i sit here
my imagination runs
sighting creation of greatness
i see myself
sprawled out on the ground
blood surounding my rainbow
speak to me your words
as i spill my colors on the floor
captured in your heart
is the picture of my death
the picture of my death
forever captured in your heart
your vivid game
seen behind the screen
solid waste
step over my beliefs
liquid stains
dirty your carpet
destruction is your creation
invisioning my pain
hanging by your rope
limp and lifeless i gringe
captured in your heart
is the picture of my death
the picture of my death
forever captured
in your heart

1/29/01
fodder of our leaders
we all are
reacting only to their commands
distinguished minds
made the outcasts
the glory gained by your tensions
keeping us in line
emaciating our species
beacause we our altruistic culture
we are the truth tellers
you portray yourselves to be
but we are indomitable, the unfeigned
your words flowing wisely
but to no prevail
the majority in your hands
unable to discern
yet we are the few
never to be extinct
continually working
striving to even our discrepencys
but you were raised by their will
repeating history, its all the same
our technology has killed all our braincells
still you have your fodder
working the land
still we plea
to free the nation
of this slavery

February 21, 2001
Thinking of you
in no way i have another
believing that one day
things may be the same again
clutching our memories
not for lust but for love
wanting to have again all that you gave me
continuously returning to where we dwelled
everything i see
it all winds back to you
for all our differences
you're the only one who brought me peace
try to move on
putting on a show
pretending to care
when really all that takes me
is my thoughts of you
and what we once shared

February 21, 2001
Bliss never dreamed
only forgiveness of our sins
wanting to show your greatness
when all you feel is weakness
trick the vulnerable
and believe your lies are truth
trick the world
and fool yourself

February 21, 2001
Flowing steams
of emerald green
a sparkle in your eye
beauty you've never seen
drop to your knees
and gather what you can
ferocuously take it in your hands
can't let anyone get a peice of your heart
so lay there still
and rejoice in your greed
ignore your people
and swallow their dreams
blinding beauty
shining in the sky
reach high and touch the mind
rather, instead
you gravel beneath the pressure
feel the birds song on your soul
and lay there still
while the greed consumes the

11/30/00
Fight the monsters that surround you
they push you down
crush you into the ground
fight them till the end
and stand up for what you believe in
the monsters of the world
different faces
no morals
fake motives
no real sense of whats going on
the definition of the monsters
its frightening and abstract
so get up off your ass
put your mind to some use
you know whats going on
its all so clear in your eyes
the lies that they tell
you know its wrong
so stand up
and get up
wash your face
renew your freedoms
to suffer from their greed
is it really fare
so ignore the black
the dark
the monsters that swallow you up
dont let them take control
cause soon all will be lost
so fight the monsters that surround you
push em down
crush em to the ground
fight them till the end
and get up
and stand up
for what you believe in

1/3/01
A mass of people
joined together
by the greed of their leaders
creating a government
with laws that only they can break
polished up
looking good
impressing no one
oppressing everyone
riots and revenge
the people fall in love with blood
in line with the government
dont they see
trying to fight for their rights
a war thats neverending
acomplishing nothing
but a lower class government
thats the same
why fight and never receive
just do what you wish
live what your fighting for
cause freedom is no more

11/15/00
i sit still
alone in the world
my mind has been killed
where can i go
the wind blows me
the pills overwhelm me
there is no cure to what creates me
its ill inside me
so i sit still
alone with myself
my eyes wander
reflecting my soul
empty and lost
all alone
my hand are burning
chocking the emptyness inside me
the illness becomes wild
the wind blew still
the chaos is killed
i want no more pills
they cannot destroy
the cure creates the ill
its all a cycle that leads me to this
on a pedistal i stand
creating my illness with the cure

1/1/00
Pretending to be something your not
telling me what you want
to believe is what you wish
and when i do
you take me in your arms
and tear me into two
in a heaven i thought i'd never enter
this hullicination you created
gives me the high
that gets you off
until your done
and my times gone
when you want no more
you slap me with the reality
you escaped me from
and drop me to the hells
you'll give no exit
and can't remember what you've done
seems i was just another peice
used in your game
to make you happy
please yourself
while i lie
burning in the flames
the ashes of my dreams
blown away
by what you now say

1/3/01
held down by your thoughts
your beliefs
ludachris as they are
you seem to gain control
and create the clone
from your perfect dreams
looking at you
with hypnotized eyes
trained to be you
the perfect nation
with no faults
and it all belongs to you
till someone comes along
your experiment has gone wrong
what to do
lock em up
throw em away
gone from the public eye
wrongful minds
smarter than yours
knowing true freedom
standing for what they believed in
seems your perfect nation
is not so
creep away
and hide in your whole.

1/3/01
Fashoins of a citizen
liked and repeated
making these trends
becomes the trend
buying into the pattern
selling yourself as a clone
its the only way to go
life is your game
won by your clothes
your thoughtless looks
gaining your self-esteem
by looking the same