Entry 2
April 19, 2001
I have an entry I havn't added yet, that should technically be Entry # 2, instead of this one being #2, but I'm not going to add it because it will just bring down what I want to write right now. Thoughts are just flowing through my head right now like crazy and I'm glad and I've been feeling inspriation and refreshed all day. Basically, I'm not enjoying my life to much, Because there is so much I want to do with it, and I havn't come close to any of the ways I'd like to live my life by. Then this morning I was thinking about my slight crush on Noah. And thinking about him just made me feel re-newed. Noah is so smart, and he has a dream, I may not really know the full extent of his dream but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with guitar...And when I think of what he's doing, and how smart he is, and after all the conversations I've had with him, I just KNOW he is going to reach that goal. I can feel that he will succed. And from what I know of him, I feel like he's on his way to doing what he wants with his life...And thats what I want to be doing, I want to be on my way to accomplishing my goals. So he inspires me immensly. And I'm not really sure if I really do have a crush on him, or if its just that...Well I have never interacted with a person with such intensity in him and that inspires me so much, and it might just be that he inspires me...I don't know. Anyways, I feel like I'd like to move a little, squarm around and get comfortible with my life, at least a little bit, cause I know its going to be years before I can reach my ultimate goals, I just want to work. And I don't even know why my thoughts are flowing like this, and why I chose to share this stuff, but if I want to express myself I guess I have to write this stuff. And every second are thoughts flow in a hundred different directions and its incredible what people come up with, and what my thoughts are leading to right now is that i need to stand up and fly, i need to move and work and accomplish these things, and stop complaining about all thats keeping me down, just fuck those things and focus on my oppurtunities that can take me even a centimeter closer to where i want to be...so i just thought i'd share with you...since thats what i've said i'm going to do. later.

Enrty 1.
April 18, 2001
There are so many things that seem to wander around this world, I can't fathom most things, and other things I WISH I couldn't fathom. People thing of me mostly as a little girl, who likes punk music and is outgoing and, uh, spunky.
Thats how I usually portray myself. But usually I'm just covering up my pain. Although, I've gotten worse and worse at covering it up. So instead I just mope around and listen to people constantly asking me "whats wrong?". I wish I could tell them, I'm just not good at talking And that adds to the pain. And when I try to cry, I can't. I feel like I'm going to cry, the tears are on the brink of my eyes, yet nothing happens. And it rips me apart. I'm not aloud to cry. I'm not aloud to try new things, or by myself. And while I have so much I should be thankful for, there is still so much that I want. The "simple" things, so they are labeled. Mostly I wish to be happy though. And I know I'm not happy cause I'm incomplete. There is this big gap in me and I can't even talk about it, at least not in depth. I could only talk about it in my head, to afraid to let everything out. I won't be perfect, or that little southern bell that fucking disgusts me. I want to be complete but I can't cause my mind is rotting away by all this stuff that presses on it. And goddamnit I want to let it all out! And just cry while someone hugs me and tells me its okay. But I can't, I don't know why, but I can't. Maybe cause there is so much I want to be and its a shame, but I can't be it. And I can't even try 1/2 the time. And when I do try, well, I'm just ridiculed and scorned. Fuck! The tears are there, but they won't come! And it hurts so fucking bad to be this ugly, meaningless shit. And I always said that I wouldn't succumb to that image, to that name tag that someone else puts on me. Oh well. Or maybe its because there doesn't seem to be anyone who I could cry to w/out feeling that, or experiancing that ridicule or scorn. Oh well.